Joe Warner’s guide for men – so you can stop walking on eggshells and start being the steady and supportive partner she needs
Perhaps you’re already feeling the fallout: the moods, the madness, the mayhem. Maybe you’re wondering why she can’t sleep. How a tiny thing can spark an enormous argument. Or why she just burst into tears over an advert for cat food. And you’re asking yourself for the tenth time today: “What the hell just happened?”
The reality is that most men are completely unprepared for how messy midlife can be. In researching my book, Burning Up, Frozen Out, which is written specifically for men, I spoke to dozens of men whose partners were deep in perimenopause. And almost every single one shared a similar story. They felt overwhelmed. Stressed. Confused. Really worried about the future. Sounds familiar? You’re not alone.
So, what on earth is going on?
Before we get to what you can do to support your partner, you need to know what’s really happening behind the scenes.
Hormones are to blame – or more accurately, the sudden chaos when her levels of estradiol and progesterone start fluctuating wildly. This means she’s in perimenopause, the phase before menopause when her hormones spike and crash as her body prepares to stop having periods. It usually starts when she’s in her 40s –sometimes earlier – and it can last for years. This isn’t some slow, graceful glide into menopause – it’s more like hormonal whiplash. One day she feels fine, the next she’s anxious, exhausted, tearful, or ready to throttle someone – most likely you – for breathing, eating or just existing too loudly.
That’s because these hormones influence not just her fertility, but everything from sleep and mood to memory, energy, motivation, and how her brain processes stress. What’s more, her testosterone level is also plummeting (yes, women have T too), which can leave her flat, foggy and her sex drive through the floor. In short, when her hormones go haywire, they don’t just rock the boat – they capsize it. No wonder she’s struggling to keep her head above water.
From barely coping to back in control
The good news? There’s plenty she can do to start feeling better. Getting more exercise, eating well, improving sleep and managing stress are not usually enough - and that’s where a prescription for hormones comes in.
HRT (hormone replacement therapy) can be life-changing. It replaces the progesterone, estradiol and testosterone that her body’s no longer producing, helping to improve symptoms and restore balance. For some women, testosterone can also help – especially if her libido has gone AWOL. HRT is safe for the vast majority of women and, according to the latest research, the mental and physical health benefits far outweigh any risks for most.
The trouble is HRT isn’t always offered – or explained properly. That’s where you come in. Encourage her to talk to a doctor or other healthcare professional who really understands perimenopause and menopause because, shockingly, many don’t. Help her prepare for the appointment, and offer to go with her. Simply knowing she doesn’t have to go through all this alone can make all the difference.
Your time to shine
Right now, chances are you feel out of your depth. You don’t know what to do. You don’t know what to say. You’re terrified of getting it wrong. So you do and say nothing. You tiptoe around her. Or bury your head in the sand, hoping it’ll blow over. But here’s the thing: it won’t. Silence solves nothing – and makes everything worse.
The truth is you’re not powerless. There’s far more in your control than you probably realise. You don’t need all the answers, and you don’t have to fix everything. Some small steps in the right direction can have a huge impact. Here’s how you can better support the woman you love – as well as take better care of your own health and happiness.
1. It’s not your fault (so don’t take it personally)
When you’re caught in the crossfire of her frustration, fear or fury, it’s easy to think you’ve done something wrong. But while her mood swings, irritability and distance affect you, they’re not about you. This isn’t a relationship crisis – it’s a hormonal one.
During perimenopause, estradiol, progesterone and testosterone fluctuate wildly, affecting mood, memory, libido, sleep – and just about everything else. She may feel like she’s lost control of her body, her mind, even her life – and that’s a terrifying place to be.
What can you do?
Don’t retreat and don’t retaliate. When you feel lost, it’s tempting to go quiet and hope it blows over, or get defensive if you feel under fire. Neither helps. The better move? Stay calm. Be kind. Be patient. She doesn’t need you to fix her: she needs you to be calm and in control – a source of strength, not more stress.
2. You can’t fix this (so don’t jump in with solutions)
Most men are hardwired to solve problems. It’s what we do. Car won’t start? Sort it. Wi-Fi’s down? Reboot the router. But perimenopause isn’t something you can fix with a quick solution - because it’s not a problem in the first place. It’s a complex hormonal transition that affects every part of how she feels, thinks and functions.
That means when you try to offer advice, downplay her feelings, or leap in with a logical fix, it can feel dismissive – like she’s being managed, not understood. It turns her deeply personal experience into a frustrating project you’re rushing to get finished.
What can you do?
Listen - really listen. That means no interruptions, no judging, no jumping ahead to a solution. Just let her speak. And resist the urge to fix or reframe. Instead, reflect back what you’ve heard: “That sounds really hard”, “I didn’t realise it felt like that for you”, or even a simple, “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere”. If you’re not sure what to say, ask: “Do you want me to just listen, or would it help to talk it through together?” Giving her the choice shows you’re not just listening, but that you’re actually paying attention – and ready to do whatever it takes to help.
3. Men struggle in midlife too (you’ve more in common than you think)
You might not be getting hot flushes or hormonal chaos, but that doesn’t mean you’re skipping through midlife unscathed. Many men hit a wall around this stage – more stress, more weight, less energy, lower mood, declining motivation, libido dips, and a creeping sense that something’s not quite right. I’ve written about the real male midlife crisis – and what you can do about – on my free weekly Substack.
The trouble is that most of us keep all of this to ourselves. We try to power through and pretend everything’s fine. The result? We end up isolated, confused and frustrated – just like many women trying to navigate perimenopause alone.
Acknowledging your own midlife challenges doesn’t take anything away from hers: indeed, it gives you a far better understanding of what she’s facing. You’re both going through profound change – but it becomes a little easier when you go through standing side-by-side.
What can you do?
Stop suffering in silence. Showing vulnerability isn’t a weakness – it’s essential for a deeper connection and a stronger relationship. Tell her what you’re feeling and what you’re dealing with – the stress, the doubt, the physical changes. You don’t have to offload everything at once – start with something you find easier to talk about. The goal is to start a real conversation - and then be honest. When you both feel heard and supported, you stop drifting apart and start pulling together. Midlife can feel like the end of something – but it’s also the start of something new. Something better. But only if you face it together.
Joe Warner’s free Substack newsletter covers everything midlife men need to know about hormones, health and happiness. Follow Joe on Instagram: @JoeWarnerUK
